It’s been 24 years since the death of my mother left a gaping hole in my heart. Not a day goes by that I don’t think of her loving smile and honesty. I decided to write a letter to her to honor her memory and celebrate her this Mother’s Day.
Dear Ma,
It took more than six months to feel as if I could breathe again after you passed. I felt like I was living someone else’s life and started reading self-help books to find my footing. The first Mother’s Day without you was unbearable. I wish I had known how hard it would be. I wish I had shared my grief and sadness with my siblings more. Knowing I wasn’t alone would have helped greatly. They were in D.C. and I was in Illinois and at the time, it was expensive to call long distance. I wish I was a lot more patient with myself. A few weeks after I returned home after my mom’s funeral, I was grocery shopping when I passed by a row of tangerines- my mother’s favorite fruit. This triggered uncontrollable crying- the ugliest of cries. I left the grocery store embarrassed and ashamed that I couldn’t control myself in public. What I now know is that this is normal for anyone who is in the throes of grief to have spontaneous outbursts.
After you left us, I resumed work as a substitute teacher before becoming a high school English teacher. I loved teaching but hated not being there for Sherese and Stanten when they got home from school like you always were for me. I retired from teaching three years ago and I am now coaching full-time. Although I miss interacting with kids daily, I love the freedom of life coaching.
I got divorced and bought my own house, which you would have loved. It had lots of natural light and was decorated beautifully. This was a tough time and I remember talking to you as I cried myself to sleep many a night. You raised a strong woman, ma, and I was grateful for your example during a difficult time in my life. A few years ago I met a great guy who I’m convinced you sent my way. We’ve been together now for almost six years. He’s kind and smart and super sarcastic – all the things you loved. I’m sure you’d love him as much as I do. We each sold our house and moved to our condo in the city full time and I’m adjusting to city life after nearly 30 years in the suburbs. You’d love the views of the Lake and how close our place is to both Sherese and Stanten.
The kids are all grown up now and thriving. They graduated from college and are out in the world doing great things. I’m proud of them and know you would be too. Stanten’s engaged to a wonderful woman, Lauren, and I’m so excited for their future. After your passing, I wish I would have spent more time reassuring them that everything was going to be okay. They worried I’d never be the same and wondered when their bubbly mom would appear again. I wish I would have gone for more walks with them and talked to them about their feelings because they were grieving too. I just didn’t know it at the time.
What comforts me is that you’re in a better place and no longer suffering. I’ve tried my best to make you proud of me. I think I can finally say I think you are. Thank you, ma, I love you.
Your youngest child,
