“Lord, please bring my baby home, safe and sound, alive and well.”
I say this prayer every single day, but it hits different when it comes to my son. I worry about his safety every single day. Every. Single. Day. And not in a typical worry like I hope he doesn’t get hit by a bus or in a car accident, but I worry about him merely breathing. Existing. And I’m justified in this fear because America has a long, long history of killing Black men. His father and I thought moving to the right community, enrolling our kids in extra-curricular activities, and have The Talk would be enough. But until invisibility cloaks become a reality, I will continue to say my prayer and worry because homegrown terrorism still views my son as a moving target. A threat. Why? Simply because he’s Black.
With #AhmaudArbery’s photos plastered across social media, I can’t help but feel overwhelmed with an array of emotions. Grief, fear, and anger battle one another over what will be my prevailing mood at the moment. Today Ahmaud should have turned 26. Should have. It’s the should have that brings the most sorrow. I’ve seen some write about how they’re overjoyed that Ahmaud’s murderers have been arrested and charged. But that’s like being overjoyed for food you ordered and paid for but was delivered 74 days later. Justice should have been delivered, hot and ready, 74 days ago.
Every time I think I’ve worked through one senseless murder, another comes to light. Here are a few things that have helped me not to be paralyzed with fear:
- Remembering what I can control
- Whether it’s calling my son and telling him how much I love him or calling politicians and demanding action. You get to focus on what you can control right now.
- Allow yourself to feel your emotions
- Take time to recognize your emotions and process them. Taking some quiet time alone helps figure out what you’re feeling. It’s not a quick and easy fix, but it enables you to release them and not harbor them forever.
- Write it out
- Putting pen to paper is a powerful way to release your emotions. Whether it’s journaling, writing your elected officials, or sharing your thoughts on social media, writing helps release the feelings that came up during your last exercise.
I look into the eyes of #AhmaudArbery and so many others who have become hashtags, and I can’t help but see my son, his friends, my brothers, and nephews. Ahmaud’s life mattered just like my son’s does because all Black lives matter.